25 Things You Should Have Learned by Middle Age ...

[skidmarx]

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of pay checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

[DGLOBE69]

19--expereinced too many times, 11--i have realised is a growing trend,9-- never expereinced and would consider a heads up advice,

[skidmarx]

Did you ever wonder if ...

* Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
* Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
* What disease did cured ham actually have?
* How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
* Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
* If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
* Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
* Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
* Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
* If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
* Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
* If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
* Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
* Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
* Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

[skidmarx]

You know its hot outside when ...

* The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
* The trees are whistling for the dogs.
* The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
* Hot water now comes out of both taps.
* You can make sun tea instantly.
* You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
* The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
* You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
* You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
* You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
* You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
* Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
* You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
* The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
* Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
* The cows are giving evaporated milk.

[skidmarx]

Cynical Meanings

* Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
* Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
* Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."
* Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
* Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
* Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
* Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
* Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
* Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
* Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
* Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
* Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

[rascal]

My boy
this sums up school on a whole

* Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."